US-Mexico Wall not enough, Trump promises to build “Space Wall”

US-Mexico Wall not enough, Trump promises to build “Space Wall”

In a recent rally,presidential hopeful Donald Trump revisited his plans to build a wall along the United States and Mexican border. ”While we know that Mexicans coming across the border bring drugs. They’re bringing crime, they’re rapists. However, they’re not the real threat. It wasn’t people from Mexico that blew up the White House in Independence Day. The real Illegal Aliens are aliens, UFOs, extraterrestrials. You have extreme extraterrestrials in a class by themselves. It is a problem in this county, and it’s a problem throughout the world.”

Trump said Governor Christie’s plan to track extraterrestrials like UPS packages and bar coding them wouldn’t go far enough. “These extraterrestrials hate America. They hate me. They hate my buildings, and want to blow up Trump Tower like they did in Independence Day. You know I built that.”

Trump spoke of his grandiose vision for the Trump Space Wall. “Oh boy, this Space Wall is gonna be great. You can book a space flight for you and your kids and go up to space to visit the wall. I’ll take your kids on a ride on my space helicopter to see it too. We’re going to set up laser guns so you can shoot aliens when they come into orbit just like space invaders. You can even shoot the good one’s like E.T. and that wacky Alf that ate cats. I hate Alf, he stole my patented comb over look.”

When asked about his plan to build the “Space Wall,” he said he would enlist the help of China. “Those Chinese are no nonsense, they’re all business. You can see their wall from space, but now they can make a wall IN SPACE.” In his best imitation of his asian business partners he continued,  “We want deal, We want space wall.”

Live Update: John Boehner Struggles With Bursting Into Flames During Pope’s Speech

During the Pope’s address to Congress this morning, Speaker of the House John Boehner was in noticable discomfort. Indigestion, the flu, and anthrax have all been ruled out as unlikely causes. Some suggest heat and sun exhaustion from his most recent tanning session, but this has also been ruled out for the moment. Currently, those watching are seeing the beginning stage of (not so) spontaneous human combustion.

Please continue to read for updates to Boehner’s combustion status.

10:50 Update – John Boehner still ok, has not burst into flames.

10:52 Update – Increased sweating around neck.

10:53 Update – Obviously chewing gums, method of releasing built up heat in blood.

10:55 Update – Puff of steam seen rising from head.

10:56 Update – Pope says, “God Bless America” John Boehner recovers, no longer combustion threat.

Nutella Bought by Drug Company, 5000% Price Increase Overnight

The tasty nutty spread known as Nutella was acquired this week by a large pharmaceutical company. Company spokesperson said ” We were first introduced to the product during a lunch meeting. We immediately knew that Nutella was a product many people in the world could not live without. We knew we needed to own it.”

Responding to the criticism for the large percentage increase in price, the spokesperson remarked, “Nutella is much more valuable than it was currently priced. We felt the low price was horribly unfair to Nutella itself, the tasty spread deserved a higher price.” He continued, “I do not understand why people are upset, The price increase is on par with other increases we have made on similar products essential to living. The profit made from the increase will allow us to increase the addictive traits of Nutella, so that consumers enjoy it more fully and naturally will want more of it.”

The spokeperson suggested more acquisitions could be made in the near future, “We will seek to acquire the patents of  other live sustaining products. We have begun looking at Oreo’s, Cherry Coke Zero, and water.”

Bernie Sanders Will Use “The Force” to Pass Bills in Congress

Obi Bernie

Senator Bernie Sanders entered the race for President of the United States and has gained support of many Americans. Sanders has said, “My decision to run for President has been a difficult one. Earlier this year, something happened to me. I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Americans suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. It was at this moment I knew I needed to create a rebellion.”

To many of his supporters, Bernie is their only hope. We met with Senator Sanders outside of Congress to get more details about his strategy to implement his agendas. He greeted us warmly, but motioned to the capital and said, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

We raised our concerns to Senator Sanders on whether he will be able to pass many of his policy platforms in congress. Senator Sanders has expressed that he will use the Force to pass these policy changes. For clarification, Sanders explains, “The Force is an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, it binds the United States together.”

Senator Sanders has been specific in his tactics, and agreed to a demonstration of “The Force”. We witnessed a meeting Sanders held with Texas Senator Ted Cruz (R). Sanders reviewed specifics on a new pro-choice bill which he was about to introduce to congress. As expected,  Senator Cruz raised immediate concerns stating “I need to see amendments to this bill.”

With a slide of hand, Sanders said, “These aren’t the bill amendments you’re looking for.” We were shocked to hear Senator Cruz respond, “These aren’t the bill amendments I’m looking for, move the bill along.”

After the meeting, we asked Sanders, “We don’t understand how that bill got passed by Senator Cruz. We thought that bill was dead.” Sanders responded, “The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.” We had doubts that this “Force” would work on all the legislators in Congress, but Sanders responded that he would use another tactic, “Not as clumsy as a filibuster. An elegant tactic, for a far more civilized age,” and motioned to a cylindrical device at his hip. “I will get them into aggressive negotiations.”

Uncovered Plot between Donald Trump, Lorne Michaels and The Onion to “Make Satire Great Again”


Sources have uncovered documents which indicate Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live fame and staff at the satirical news site The Onion have been in secret negotiations with Donald Trump to “Make Satire Great Again,” as early as January of 2015.

The documents detail efforts made by Michaels and The Onion to encourage Trump to enter the US presidential race as a ploy to generate more content for satirical comedy.

“Political satire just hasn’t been the same since Palin, none of our writers want to insult a black dude in office,” one email suggested. Trump’s response was strong. “I do insults great. Have you seen the Apprentice? Know how many people I made cry? Lots, that’s how many. I can insult black dudes. I can insult Mexicans, the Chinese, muslims, you name it, I can insult it. Want me to insult a kid dying of Leukemia? Done.”

After an initial back and forth with Trump, there was some concern about whether satire about him would be funny. Again, Trump was decisive in his response, “I can do comedy, I can do comedy so great it will make your head spin. Farley, Candy, Belushi, Kaufman, they’re bozos, dum dums. I prefer comedians that aren’t dead, you know, winners. I’m a winner.”

Michaels and The Onion staff had to help explain the nuances between comedy and satire. “I can be ridiculous, I can be soooooo ridiculous. I am a manager, I can hire great people, the best people to make me look ridiculous. I will hire people so competent at their jobs it will make me look ridiculous. I can hire people to beat up protesters in front of my hotels. Protesters are weak. They don’t even put up a fight.” said Trump.

As the campaign moved forward, Michaels and The Onion were concerned about the timetable of Trump’s presidential bid and his plan to make himself an excellent target of satire. Trump’s response was solid as a rock. “Oh plans, I have great plans. I build buildings. Have you seen Trump Tower? Wait ‘til you see my plans, they’ll be so great it will make you vomit.”